我以为我心已死–露易丝，挖掘恐惧背后的真相

我以为我的心已死
–挖掘恐惧背后的真相
作者：露易丝（Louise Gallagher）
（加拿大认证教练/作家/公共演说家）
翻译 ：韦辉
（The Haven翻译/咨询师）

I spent a week in the magic and wonder of Gabriola Island, taking a course at The Haven. To the sounds of the waves lapping at the shore, the seagulls squawking and the sea lions barking, I dove into the depths of my psyche, pondering the questions of what drives me to do and be who I am in the world.

加布里奥拉岛 (Gabriola Island) 是块妙土，我在那呆了一周，在岛上的海文学院上了一个课程。岛上波涛拍岸，海鸥鸣叫，海狮深吼；于声声不绝中，我跃入心灵深处，思索我是谁，是什么造就了今天的我。

Having coached for almost six years in Choices, I wasn’t sure what I would find, or uncover in the Come Alive program. Isn’t there a finite point of ‘knowing’ about me, myself and I? Isn’t there a point of ‘enough about me, let’s get on with living’ in personal development? I didn’t know what to expect and entered the retreat open to expecting the unexpected.

在Choices （注：北美著名教练技术培训）做了将近6年的教练后，我不太确定我能在《潜力苏醒》中找到什么，挖掘到什么从前未知的自己？难道自我了解不应该有个终点吗？在那我知道 “我已经够懂我自己了，接下来要努力过好日子”。我不知该对课程抱什么期待，然而既来之，便安于未知。

I was not disappointed.

我没有失望

Driving out to the coast, crossing the Coquahalla Highway in snow and rain and sleet, I was almost side-swiped by a semi-trailer hauling a load of logs. It began to veer left and right, left and right just as I was passing it on an incline. Frightened by the combination of the sideways movement of its trailer load of logs and the icy road, I was hesitant to speed up. But, as its fishtailing became more and more exaggerated I pressed on the gas and sped in front of it. Looking back in my rear view mirror, I saw the trailer portion slip into the lane beside it，the lane I would have been in if I had not sped up.

驱车前往海岸的途中，驶入寇卡哈拉高速路段时，雨雪交加，冰雹来袭，我差点被拖满原木的半拖车擦边。当我正准备在斜坡上超车时，这辆半拖车开始左右行驶。看到这车并不是平稳前行，此时路面还结了一层冰，心里怵得慌，实在不敢加速。但眼看车尾摆动地愈发厉害，我踩了踩油门，加速开到了它的前面。从后视镜瞅了一下后面，看到拖车拖拽处脱落，滑到了身后的车道。我要是没加速超车，我还在那个车道上！

I carried on, the image of the semi fishtailing imprinted on my mind.

我继续往前开，但那车尾摇摆的场景已印入脑海。

Normally, ‘near misses’ are simply that to me — misses. They didn’t happen. Let it go.

通常，“差之毫厘”也不过如此-因为还是“差”，事情并没有发生，放下即可。

But this one stuck around. I didn’t know why, but I could feel it eating away at my peace of mind.

但这次不知何故，脑中挥之不去所发生的一切，总感觉内心的平静被慢慢蚕食。

At the Haven, during an exercise in breathing, the memory of that event swept over me and tears flowed from my eyes. “I must be relieved it didn’t happen. It must be the release of remembering,” I thought. But, as I dug into the feelings surrounding my tears, ‘the truth’ rose up.

在海文，有一次在做呼吸练习时，对这起事故所经历的记忆翻涌而至，泪水泉涌而出。我在想—“我一定是庆幸最坏的没有发生，这一定是记忆的释放”。然而深究泪中情绪，“真相”浮现。

For almost five years while in a relationship with a man who wanted to kill me, I yearned for death. Even after his arrest, tendrils of that yearning would appear luring me away from life. In seeing that semi swerve into my lane it wasn’t that I was grateful to be alive (which I am), it was that I feared those tendrils of wishing for death to release me from life still existed somewhere within me.

曾经在一段五年的恋情中，男友有谋杀我的欲望，那时，我渴望死亡。尽管在他被逮捕后，对死亡的渴望依然像蔓藤般滋长，促我了此残生。那一刻当看到拖车突然转向我的车道，并不是我不感恩我依然活着，而是我担心那一缕死亡的念头依然存在于内心深处的某个角落。

I breathed. Deeply.

呼吸。深呼吸。

“We can explore this deeper,” one of the facilitators invited me when I mentioned what I believed to be true of my fear.

当听到我述说我所认为的恐惧背后的真相，其中的一位导师邀请我““我们可以继续往下探索”。

And so I did. Explore it more deeply. And in my exploration I came face to face with death, and life. I came face to face with the lure of ‘no more’ pain, sorrow, fear, loneliness…. and embraced life — in all its uncertainty, all its beauty, all its life-giving force.

我如是照做，往深处挖掘。在继续探索中我直面死亡，还有生存。我探到了死亡的诱惑，那里不再有痛苦，难过，恐惧和孤独……然而我开始拥抱生命的美丽和活力，虽然充满变数。

And in that embrace I chose to cut the threads of deaths cloying breath, to free myself to live this one wild and precious life in the rapture of now.

在我敞开双臂接纳生命的那一刻，我选择斩断死亡的丝带，让呼吸变得不再粘稠，解开枷锁，在狂喜中活在这狂野又珍贵的世上。

Life is a choice. Always. And in every way. It is a choice to be present, to be aware, to be awake. Life is the choice I make when I step over the threshold of my fear I am not good enough, I am notenough, I am too small, too big, too young, too old, too less, too much, too anything other than who I am, in this moment right now. Fearlessly. Passionately. Completely Alive.

生命从来都充满选择，可见于生活的方方面面。是否留在当下，是否觉察，是否苏醒，都在于我们的选择。常常担心 “不够好”，“太卑微”，“太渺小”，“太耀眼”，“太年轻”，“年纪太大”，“太多”，“太少”，却独独没有看到真正的自己。当我跨过这种种恐惧，我做出了对生命的选择。此刻，我无所畏惧，充满了对生命的热情，我终于活了过来。

I spent a week at The Haven, exploring, delving in, opening up to Come Alive.

我在海文呆了一周，在《潜力苏醒》中不断探索，挖掘，敞开。

I am grateful. I am peaceful. I am Alive!

心怀感恩，内心平静，我“醒”着！